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A Common Problem

I used to have a friend named Jonah, whom I met at a training camp. Jonah, when I first met him, was one of the funniest people I’ve met. He did impeccable impressions of Homer Simpson, Carl Wheezer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Four or five times a day, he doubled us over with laughter, almost to tears.

But, like anyone, he had his flaws. He had a habit that bothered many people who knew him. If Jonah ever talked to you, he would slowly step closer and closer to you. If you took a step back, he would compensate with an even larger step towards you. Once, I asked him why the hell he does that. 

“Bro, I can hear you from two feet away. You don’t have to be slowly stepping towards me.”

I admit this probably wasn’t the best way to handle the issue, and I shouldn’t have put him in an embarrassing spot like that. At least, that’s how I felt immediately after saying it. But Jonah replied: 

“What is your problem, bro? Can’t you just let me be myself??”

“Be yourself, Jonah, but I value my personal space…so can’t I be myself in telling you to take a half step back?” 

He stopped talking to me for a while after that. But that conversation had me wondering. I mean, who am I to stop him from being himself? 

This is a petty example, but everyone has probably had some interaction like this. We are surrounded by people telling us to embrace ourselves, to love ourselves, and to be our true selves. However, anyone who can say these things out loud can also find issues with someone else’s actions.

“Be yourself! Love yourself! But please, for the love of God, stop losing your temper so easily.” 

Or on the flip side: 

“I know I lose my temper easily, but it’s just who I am. I am a short-tempered person. What do you want from me??”

So where’s the line between “Accept me as I am” and “I need to do better?” What parts of a person need to be improved? How much of a person should I accept?

Let’s examine when we should be ourselves and when we should do better.

Personality and Interest

I am short for my demographic. Of course, this spurs a lot of good-natured jokes, which are often self-inflicted, but it would be ridiculous for someone to dislike me purely because of my lack of height. It would be even more ridiculous to genuinely want me to get taller. This is obvious. After all, what good is it for someone to expect that of me? I can’t get taller through effort. 

It’s safe to argue that many aspects of personality have the same quality as height, eye color, or any other unchangeable feature.  A person’s demeanor, volume, outlook, or accent are all fairly invariable. While it might not be impossible to change a small aspect of your personality, expecting that personality change from someone else is moot.

Don’t waste your effort hoping for something that will probably never happen. Anyway, who the hell are we to think that someone else should change these parts of themselves for us? How narcissistic must we be to believe that someone should reframe their state of being for our benefit or comfort? That’s an unfair ask. 

Personalities clash. Maybe two people aren’t fit to be around each other. Of course, that’s understandable. But the solution here is not that someone needs to “Become better.” Maybe the solution is simply to part ways. 

I am friends with someone who is an obsessive Pokemon card collector. That’s not why we’re friends. I don’t get Pokemon. I think it’s stupid. The world would be better off without it. 

Anyway. 

It doesn’t matter what I think about Pokemon or collecting cards. If all I did were ridicule my friend for his interests and hobbies, that wouldn’t make him or me a better person; it would be a waste of time and effort and probably end with me losing a good friend. 

The often misconstrued “Be yourself!” explanation should refer to personality and interest. These are innate and very stable within a person, and we have no business in attempting to change these aspects within each other.

The Behavioral Bogeyman

Personality is part of someone’s nature, but the behaviors that stem from personality aren’t necessarily a part of that personality. For example, a naturally disagreeable person can’t be expected to quit being disagreeable. However, how they express disagreeableness is NOT a part of their personality. 

So, if a manager in an office cusses and screams and throws things at every worker who drops a pencil, the behavior might stem from his disagreeableness. However, that doesn’t justify the manager’s tirades. 

This is basic information. But we wrap ourselves around blankets of “I can’t help it, it’s my personality” and “I’m being authentic, it’s just who I am” so that we don’t have to look at the Behavioral Bogeyman: honest accountability for our behavior. We are not always obligated to change who we are, but we control what we do.

When Does it Matter?

We can control our actions. But which actions are worth changing? Which parts of us should we strive to prove? How should we make ourselves better?

If I express my personality in a manner that is harmful to others, I am obligated to do better. 

So what qualifies as “harmful”? Does that include emotional harm? Are we obligated not to harm anyone’s feelings? While there’s not a definite metric to distinguish what is and isn’t harmful, there is a starting point: 

 The more important a person is to you, the lower the “harm” threshold is. Imagine an old man on the street saying you talk too loudly. After getting over the initial sting or mildly deflated pride, who cares what this guy thinks? Why should his opinion matter to you? That doesn’t pass the threshold. But if you were screaming at the old man, causing everyone around you – and the man you’re screaming at – to feel awkward or unsafe, that probably qualifies as harmful behavior. Imagine your close friend or a significant other saying you’re talking too loudly. Now, it matters. Now, it takes a more minor, less substantial behavior to qualify as harmful. We will NEVER get along with everyone. We will ALWAYS hurt someone’s feelings. The question is, when is it worth it? Ultimately, deciding whether to change your behavior depends on who you are willing to hurt with your actions and to what degree. That’s a tricky question to answer. By nature of us “being ourselves” and “Being the most authentic version of ourselves,” someone will get offended and insulted.

The Real Me Sucks

“Be yourself” is a tempting offer. It means, “Stop worrying; people must accept you as you are.” But it can also lead to “You are good as you are; don’t worry about making yourself better for other people.” We must look at ourselves honestly. Our “Authentic self” probably isn’t perfect. I know mine isn’t. The “real me”- the “me” that I try to be better than – sucks. He is abrasive, prideful, and mean. We should always be looking for ways to get better. We all know this. So when someone brings up a flaw in ourselves – be it a loved one, a coworker, or just someone we regularly encounter – we should not hide behind “Let me be myself” or “It’s just who I am.” We should strive to do better than we do right now. Our future can be better than us!