![\"\"](\"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/12\/pexels-oladimeji-ajegbile-2908773-scaled-e1707232539771.jpg\")
Don’t Be Yourself, Be Better.<\/h3>\n\n\n\nPersonality, Self-awareness, and Humility<\/h4>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\nA Common Problem<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I used to have a friend named Jonah, whom I met at a training camp. Jonah, when I first met him, was one of the funniest people I\u2019ve met. He did impeccable impressions of Homer Simpson, Carl Wheezer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Four or five times a day, he doubled us over with laughter, almost to tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, like anyone, he had his flaws. He had a habit that bothered many people who knew him. If Jonah ever talked to you, he would slowly step closer and closer to you. If you took a step back, he would compensate with an even larger step towards you. Once, I asked him why the hell he does that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBro, I can hear you from two feet away. You don\u2019t have to be slowly stepping towards me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I admit this probably wasn\u2019t the best way to handle the issue, and I shouldn\u2019t have put him in an embarrassing spot like that. At least, that\u2019s how I felt immediately after saying it. But Jonah replied: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat is your problem, bro? Can\u2019t you just let me be myself??\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe yourself, Jonah, but I value my personal space\u2026so can\u2019t I be myself <\/em>in telling you to take a half step back?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\nHe stopped talking to me for a while after that. But that conversation had me wondering. I mean, who am I to stop him from being himself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is a petty example, but everyone has probably had some interaction like this. We are surrounded by people telling us to embrace ourselves, to love ourselves, and to be our true selves. However, anyone who can say these things out loud can also find issues with someone else\u2019s actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe yourself! Love yourself! But please, for the love of God, stop losing your temper so easily.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or on the flip side: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI know I lose my temper easily, but it\u2019s just who I am. I am a short-tempered person. What do you want from me??\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So where\u2019s the line between \u201cAccept me as I am\u201d and \u201cI need to do better?\u201d What parts of a person need to be improved? How much of a person should I accept?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s examine when we should be ourselves and when we should do better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\nPersonality and Interest<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I am short for my demographic. Of course, this spurs a lot of good-natured jokes, which are often self-inflicted, but it would be ridiculous for someone to dislike me purely because of my lack of height. It would be even more ridiculous to genuinely want me to get taller. This is obvious. After all, what good is it for someone to expect that of me? I can\u2019t get taller through effort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s safe to argue that many aspects of personality have the same quality as height, eye color, or any other unchangeable feature. A person\u2019s demeanor, volume, outlook, or accent are all fairly invariable. While it might not be impossible to change a small aspect of your personality, expecting that personality change from someone else is moot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t waste your effort hoping for something that will probably never happen. Anyway, who the hell are we to think that someone else should change these parts of themselves for us? How narcissistic must we be to believe that someone should reframe their state of being for our benefit or comfort? That\u2019s an unfair ask. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personalities clash. Maybe two people aren\u2019t fit to be around each other. Of course, that\u2019s understandable. But the solution here is not that someone needs to \u201cBecome better.\u201d Maybe the solution is simply to part ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am friends with someone who is an obsessive Pokemon card collector. That\u2019s not why we\u2019re friends. I don\u2019t get Pokemon. I think it\u2019s stupid. The world would be better off without it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It doesn\u2019t matter what I think about Pokemon or collecting cards. If all I did were ridicule my friend for his interests and hobbies, that wouldn\u2019t make him or me a better person; it would be a waste of time and effort and probably end with me losing a good friend. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The often misconstrued \u201cBe yourself!\u201d explanation should refer to personality and interest. These are innate and very stable within a person, and we have no business in attempting to change these aspects within each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\nThe Behavioral Bogeyman<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Personality is part of someone\u2019s nature, but the behaviors that stem from personality aren\u2019t necessarily a part of that personality. For example, a naturally disagreeable person can\u2019t be expected to quit being disagreeable. However, how they express disagreeableness is NOT a part of their personality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, if a manager in an office cusses and screams and throws things at every worker who drops a pencil, the behavior might stem from his disagreeableness. However, that doesn\u2019t justify the manager\u2019s tirades. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is basic information. But we wrap ourselves around blankets of \u201cI can\u2019t help it, it\u2019s my personality\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m being authentic, it\u2019s just who I am\u201d so that we don\u2019t have to look at the Behavioral Bogeyman: honest accountability for our behavior. We are not always obligated to change who we are, but we control what we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\nWhen Does it Matter?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
We can control our actions. But which actions are worth changing? Which parts of us should we strive to prove? How should we make ourselves better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I express my personality in a manner that is harmful to others, I am obligated to do better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what qualifies as \u201charmful”? Does that include emotional harm? Are we obligated not to harm anyone’s feelings? While there\u2019s not a definite metric to distinguish what is and isn\u2019t harmful, there is a starting point: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The more important a person is to you, the lower the \u201charm\u201d threshold is. Imagine an old man on the street saying you talk too loudly. After getting over the initial sting or mildly deflated pride, who cares what this guy thinks? Why should his opinion matter to you? That doesn\u2019t pass the threshold. But if you were screaming at the old man, causing everyone around you – and the man you\u2019re screaming at – to feel awkward or unsafe, that probably qualifies as harmful behavior. Imagine your close friend or a significant other saying you\u2019re talking too loudly. Now, it matters. Now, it takes a more minor, less substantial behavior to qualify as harmful. We will NEVER get along with everyone. We will ALWAYS hurt someone\u2019s feelings. The question is, when is it worth it? Ultimately, deciding whether to change your behavior depends on who you are willing to hurt with your actions and to what degree. <\/em>That\u2019s a tricky question to answer. By nature of us \u201cbeing ourselves\u201d and \u201cBeing the most authentic version of ourselves,\u201d someone will get offended and insulted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\nThe Real Me Sucks<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe yourself\u201d is a tempting offer. It means, \u201cStop worrying; people must accept you as you are.\u201d But it can also lead to \u201cYou are good as you are; don\u2019t worry about making yourself better for other people.\u201d We must look at ourselves honestly. Our \u201cAuthentic self\u201d probably isn\u2019t perfect. I know mine isn\u2019t. The \u201creal me\u201d- the \u201cme\u201d that I try to be better than – sucks. He is abrasive, prideful, and mean. We should always be looking for ways to get better. We all know this. So when someone brings up a flaw in ourselves – be it a loved one, a coworker, or just someone we regularly encounter – we should not hide behind \u201cLet me be myself\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s just who I am.\u201d We should strive to do better than we do right now. Our future can be better than us!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A Common Problem I used to have a friend named Jonah, whom I met at a training camp. Jonah, when I first met him, was one of the funniest people I\u2019ve met. He did impeccable impressions of Homer Simpson, Carl Wheezer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Four or five times a day, he doubled us over with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":256,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,1],"tags":[24,25,27,23,22,21,20,26,19],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=186"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":341,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186\/revisions\/341"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/256"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=186"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=186"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=186"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\n\n\n
A Common Problem<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I used to have a friend named Jonah, whom I met at a training camp. Jonah, when I first met him, was one of the funniest people I\u2019ve met. He did impeccable impressions of Homer Simpson, Carl Wheezer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Four or five times a day, he doubled us over with laughter, almost to tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, like anyone, he had his flaws. He had a habit that bothered many people who knew him. If Jonah ever talked to you, he would slowly step closer and closer to you. If you took a step back, he would compensate with an even larger step towards you. Once, I asked him why the hell he does that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBro, I can hear you from two feet away. You don\u2019t have to be slowly stepping towards me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I admit this probably wasn\u2019t the best way to handle the issue, and I shouldn\u2019t have put him in an embarrassing spot like that. At least, that\u2019s how I felt immediately after saying it. But Jonah replied: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat is your problem, bro? Can\u2019t you just let me be myself??\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe yourself, Jonah, but I value my personal space\u2026so can\u2019t I be myself <\/em>in telling you to take a half step back?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n He stopped talking to me for a while after that. But that conversation had me wondering. I mean, who am I to stop him from being himself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a petty example, but everyone has probably had some interaction like this. We are surrounded by people telling us to embrace ourselves, to love ourselves, and to be our true selves. However, anyone who can say these things out loud can also find issues with someone else\u2019s actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBe yourself! Love yourself! But please, for the love of God, stop losing your temper so easily.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Or on the flip side: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know I lose my temper easily, but it\u2019s just who I am. I am a short-tempered person. What do you want from me??\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n So where\u2019s the line between \u201cAccept me as I am\u201d and \u201cI need to do better?\u201d What parts of a person need to be improved? How much of a person should I accept?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s examine when we should be ourselves and when we should do better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am short for my demographic. Of course, this spurs a lot of good-natured jokes, which are often self-inflicted, but it would be ridiculous for someone to dislike me purely because of my lack of height. It would be even more ridiculous to genuinely want me to get taller. This is obvious. After all, what good is it for someone to expect that of me? I can\u2019t get taller through effort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s safe to argue that many aspects of personality have the same quality as height, eye color, or any other unchangeable feature. A person\u2019s demeanor, volume, outlook, or accent are all fairly invariable. While it might not be impossible to change a small aspect of your personality, expecting that personality change from someone else is moot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t waste your effort hoping for something that will probably never happen. Anyway, who the hell are we to think that someone else should change these parts of themselves for us? How narcissistic must we be to believe that someone should reframe their state of being for our benefit or comfort? That\u2019s an unfair ask. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Personalities clash. Maybe two people aren\u2019t fit to be around each other. Of course, that\u2019s understandable. But the solution here is not that someone needs to \u201cBecome better.\u201d Maybe the solution is simply to part ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I am friends with someone who is an obsessive Pokemon card collector. That\u2019s not why we\u2019re friends. I don\u2019t get Pokemon. I think it\u2019s stupid. The world would be better off without it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t matter what I think about Pokemon or collecting cards. If all I did were ridicule my friend for his interests and hobbies, that wouldn\u2019t make him or me a better person; it would be a waste of time and effort and probably end with me losing a good friend. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The often misconstrued \u201cBe yourself!\u201d explanation should refer to personality and interest. These are innate and very stable within a person, and we have no business in attempting to change these aspects within each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Personality is part of someone\u2019s nature, but the behaviors that stem from personality aren\u2019t necessarily a part of that personality. For example, a naturally disagreeable person can\u2019t be expected to quit being disagreeable. However, how they express disagreeableness is NOT a part of their personality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, if a manager in an office cusses and screams and throws things at every worker who drops a pencil, the behavior might stem from his disagreeableness. However, that doesn\u2019t justify the manager\u2019s tirades. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is basic information. But we wrap ourselves around blankets of \u201cI can\u2019t help it, it\u2019s my personality\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m being authentic, it\u2019s just who I am\u201d so that we don\u2019t have to look at the Behavioral Bogeyman: honest accountability for our behavior. We are not always obligated to change who we are, but we control what we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We can control our actions. But which actions are worth changing? Which parts of us should we strive to prove? How should we make ourselves better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I express my personality in a manner that is harmful to others, I am obligated to do better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So what qualifies as \u201charmful”? Does that include emotional harm? Are we obligated not to harm anyone’s feelings? While there\u2019s not a definite metric to distinguish what is and isn\u2019t harmful, there is a starting point: <\/p>\n\n\n\n The more important a person is to you, the lower the \u201charm\u201d threshold is. Imagine an old man on the street saying you talk too loudly. After getting over the initial sting or mildly deflated pride, who cares what this guy thinks? Why should his opinion matter to you? That doesn\u2019t pass the threshold. But if you were screaming at the old man, causing everyone around you – and the man you\u2019re screaming at – to feel awkward or unsafe, that probably qualifies as harmful behavior. Imagine your close friend or a significant other saying you\u2019re talking too loudly. Now, it matters. Now, it takes a more minor, less substantial behavior to qualify as harmful. We will NEVER get along with everyone. We will ALWAYS hurt someone\u2019s feelings. The question is, when is it worth it? Ultimately, deciding whether to change your behavior depends on who you are willing to hurt with your actions and to what degree. <\/em>That\u2019s a tricky question to answer. By nature of us \u201cbeing ourselves\u201d and \u201cBeing the most authentic version of ourselves,\u201d someone will get offended and insulted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBe yourself\u201d is a tempting offer. It means, \u201cStop worrying; people must accept you as you are.\u201d But it can also lead to \u201cYou are good as you are; don\u2019t worry about making yourself better for other people.\u201d We must look at ourselves honestly. Our \u201cAuthentic self\u201d probably isn\u2019t perfect. I know mine isn\u2019t. The \u201creal me\u201d- the \u201cme\u201d that I try to be better than – sucks. He is abrasive, prideful, and mean. We should always be looking for ways to get better. We all know this. So when someone brings up a flaw in ourselves – be it a loved one, a coworker, or just someone we regularly encounter – we should not hide behind \u201cLet me be myself\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s just who I am.\u201d We should strive to do better than we do right now. Our future can be better than us!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A Common Problem I used to have a friend named Jonah, whom I met at a training camp. Jonah, when I first met him, was one of the funniest people I\u2019ve met. He did impeccable impressions of Homer Simpson, Carl Wheezer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Four or five times a day, he doubled us over with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":256,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,1],"tags":[24,25,27,23,22,21,20,26,19],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=186"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":341,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/186\/revisions\/341"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/256"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=186"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=186"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thelaymanslantern.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=186"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Personality and Interest<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Behavioral Bogeyman<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
When Does it Matter?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Real Me Sucks<\/h4>\n\n\n\n